My journey is getting deeper and darker. I've been searching for help, at the guidance of family and my husband. I attempted to seek help earlier but quickly became frustrated after I was turned away numerous times with such excuses as "We are not accepting any new patients" or my favorite "Your case is not that severe." So I must wait until I'm pulling my hair out and prevent myself from causing self-harm for this be severe. Maybe this is why woman do not speak up. Because a "small case"
(don't worry I don't consider anything small cases or large cases when it comes to PPD, they're all important!) isn't as noticeable or important as those who are attempting to cause harm, cannot sleep (yeah me neither buddy!), or something worse. It will get worse if you ignore me! You know how many times I'd love to scream that to the receptionist on the phone. Do I have to walk her through my daily life with this?! "Oh hi, yes, today is acceptable. Yesterday was not. My dinner looked at me the wrong way and BAM! I was pissed off for the rest of the day. No...noooo, a few days ago I just cried myself to sleep but tonight shouldn't be a problem besides that I'm exhausted & dream of things you couldn't imagine. Oh and my son is extremely upset and I can't calm him down."Do they really want my life story before even agreeing to see me as a patient?!
Nonetheless, I've made a few more calls today & left a few messages, looking for someone...anyone, who might be able to. As I tell my husband, it's great to have someone who listens but I need someone who understands. Who feels, has felt, or can relate to my anger, pain, my heartache. I can't explain why I get mad, or upset so fast. I can't answer 50 million questions. I need someone to listen and say "HEY! I get that." Not, "tell me more. Oh..okay. Why?" NOPE. No more. Sorry buddy. He tries and I appreciate it, but I cannot rely on him and put this weight on strictly one person's shoulder anymore.
Every day I start to feel better but then I work for 9 hours, get frustrated, and BAM! I'm back down my dark hole again. I know there's a way out. Someday. Somehow. I'm going to find it. No matter how long it takes me. I'm determined to get out and I'm determined to make sure other mothers know this is long, grueling, process. This blog isn't about having been through PPD, it's about going through it. Currently. Right now. At this moment.
You are so brave for telling your story. It will help others. Trust me. I tell my story as often as I can. I do understand and I get it. You are not alone. Have you found the website - Postpartum Progress - managed and written by Katherine Stone? It is a great resource. Also, have you heard of #ppdchat sessions? I can tell you more about that as well. Let me know if you need someone to talk to. I am here and I understand.
ReplyDelete