Let's talk about "windows." No, not the windows you look into, but close! Definetely not the Windows operating program..such a hassle! I have two windows. One is a curse. One is a blessing.
My blessing of a window: I'm talking windows of opportunity. I've had plenty of windows or chances to open up about my PPD and life. Why now? Why am I talking to you? I find that I speak to myself much truer when written rather than spoken. I have a chance to read what I say. Erase it if I don't like it. Re-write it if it doesn't make sense. Yes, I chose the window known as the computer screen to speak & let you view my world.
Now that other window; Yes that glass one we all have at least one of at home and the one I find to be my curse. It's such a hard feeling to explain. I try so hard to find the words but sometimes I just can't. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in (corny reference, I know, but this is my other window). It's like I can see and hear myself but I'm not here or there to actually control myself or say what I want.
There is so much pressure to be a mother, wife, while holding down a job. This is something that, sorry guys, but you'll never understand. Single fathers will get the "idea" but until you have carried your child for 9 months, labored, and have taken those precious 6 weeks off to take care of them, it's hard to fathom what anyone could feel. I know I couldn't until I let pregnancy/labor/motherhood run it's course.
Today I noticed my son's perfection. His eyes are perfect. His nose is perfect. His lips are perfect. His tiny ears are perfect. His big feet are perfect. Well, you get it. He is perfect. I heard others tell me, but now I see it.
I hope that in some way I am making sense to you and a part of you, even the tiniest bit, can connect and say "HEY! I know/remember that!"
Every day I am closer to shattering my window of challenge. Every day I am closer to love.
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