"It happens," or so they say.

I decided I would be the best mother I could be & breastfeed my son. My first experience was breastfeeding was difficult. He would not latch on. Was this my fault? The nurses assured me that "it happens." If I knew how many times people would say "it happens" I would have banned those two words from my life. My first visit out was when my son was 4 days old. I refused to breastfeed in public, demanding to go home with him. I needed to be comfortable. I was still a confused mother. This is when I first realized I had PPD. I was being attacked for not breastfeeding in public. Was I a bad mother? Was I horrible for doing things the way others had not? Had I known what I know now I would have spoken up. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. My mind screamed. I am not a bad mother and will never be. I will never keep quiet. Never again.

My son is 9 weeks now. We tried and tried breastfeeding him. I made too much milk. You're probably thinking "TOO MUCH!? LUCKY HER!," wrong. I was cursed. My overflow was unnecessary. So unnecessary that my son wasn't able to latch on because it was too fast. I made the decision to pump & bottle feed my son. I was exhausting myself, pumping every two hours. I could get over this I said. Then more problems arose: He was never full; I had to return to work; He did not sleep full nights. Sadly, I decided to discontinue breastfeeding. I had to make the best choice for my son. He was switched over to formula. You are not a bad mother if you cannot or choose not to breastfeed. Do NOT let anyone tell you otherwise. You're feeding your child aren't you? What's so wrong about that then?

I never realized how exhausting breastfeeding was or would be. I found myself awake at night, feeding my son on the couch, physically exhausted & crying. I felt that I wasn't feeding him correctly or it was something I was doing wrong. If someone had only told me he was constantly hungry because he was growing and/or not full I would have had much more confidence in myself and stood up stronger to the challenge.

Now I did not back out or back down to the challenge of breastfeeding. I did what was best for my son. I can happily go to work and leave my son with my husband or family member, without constantly worrying if he has enough milk. I was able to say he had a full belly and enjoyed sleeping. I lean over his crib sometimes and watch him sleep. I begin to cry. I always whisper "I promise" as I kiss his cheek. I promise to always care for him, love him more than I knew possible, give him the best possible life. I promise to share my story; my feelings; my struggle; most importantly my new found strength.

Every day I wake up, ready for the day, awaiting a smile from my little man. Every day I'm closer to love.